Friday, August 23, 2013

you should probably take a look at this. (warning: semi-graphic details ahead)

This is a tough one to write.
I pride myself in being funny even when no one else thinks so. I try to write these blogs about serious things sometimes in an insensitive way to make awkward subjects more comfortable for those of you who want to laugh at such ridiculous parenting and ideals.
So my juggle in my mind is trying to be sensitive about this subject without being too serious and sounding depressed.
So here we go.

Around May 2012 Julien was 2 months from turning 2. The big 2! Hunter and I had discussed even before getting married how many kids we wanted to have, how far apart we 'wanted' them to be and started on our 'family planning' ideas.
So. by this time I was already hoping to have a little babe in the cooker or at least nearing the end of said cooking time.
Unfortunately this was not the case. I know we are both functioning and able to produce as my dad would say 'juicy fruit" (aka children/blessings/fruit from our But it wasn't happening.
As many christians would say "it wasn't God's timing"..which I whole heartedly believed.

Little did we know 6 months later we would be packing up everything we owned and planning the move of a lifetime to Park City Utah. When the decision was made to move it all made sense. It would've been an even bigger pain in the butt to move across country with a tiny new born or being 8 months pregnant right? SO Okay..God had a wasn't God's timing!

We arrived in beautiful, cold, snowy Park City (another thing a snow newbie wouldn't want to deal with, with a newborn or being pregnant)!
We then put a 'fleece' if you will before the Lord basically saying if we aren't pregnant by the end of the summer we'll look into adoption, which is something we want to do anyways.
So June came...and went. We started really asking the Lord for a lil babe in the cooker and it wasn't happening. My brother and sister came to visit and everyone prayed over me that this would happen..sooner than later.
Well.. 3 weeks later the stick said yes.

You can imagine the joy that filled the family and treehouse, another little babe would add to the chaotic fun.
So trusting in my body to do the good deed we announced it and were over joyed. God had seriously answered prayers and we were pregnant before the end of summer!
The planning began! We would need to move to a house for more room, we needed to find a midwife that would come up the mountain, we needed to see a midwife/dr asap to make sure everything was workin. And it was! The midwife/dr i found was incredible but didn't travel up the mountain :(. She soon became my best and only friend in Utah.

Warning..details ahead!

9 days after the confirmation of pregnancy from said Midwife, I woke up with horrible pain.. Because this isn't a widely open conversation on most blogs i've read..lets get real with each other. Worst than your worst heavy period..that was what was happening to me. So up at 6am I called said Midwife who is the sweetest lady ever known and she had me come in immediately. Which meant in my family and having to travel down the mountain to see her we didn't get there until 11. I called a friend to watch Julien and we rushed down. Stopping twice to use the restroom I knew this was bad. I had passed the baby about 4 1/2 hours into this horrible day.
Unfortunately though I had the feeling this had happened..signs weren't so clear to the midwife, I had to get blood work done and we wouldn't know the final answer til 48 hours later.
The WORST 48 hours of my life. Pain..and other things.. worry and sadness. The worst part is just not knowing what was wrong. should i have hope, should i be sad, should i be happy, should i crawl in a hole and never talk to anyone again?

The results came in and though I was incredibly sad that this had happened I was also relieved. NOT that I lost the sweetest most important thing in life (a child) but that I could stop worrying and I know God knows whats up.
He knows what he's doing, he knew that baby better than I did. And I could cry for a couple more hours, get up out of my dirty pajamas that I wore for 48 hours, and walk in the understand that He knows better than me.
He knows where i'm going, what i'm doing and when the perfect time will be for me.

So announcement made. Baby center updates deleted and another blog for you to read...
8 things not to say to a woman who miscarried

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