It's been some time now hasn't it?
I won't go into the 'update' of bringing you all up to speed. Just enjoy this rant of a blog post..
I'm realizing there is a difference between me and some other people.. I know this is something you learn in pre-school, but really. I think my family might be a little different.
I've always been the 'sassy' one, I grew up saying "I was the mean one." It was a joke in passing but lets be honest, we all knew it was true. For some time it may have effected my adolescence and made some what of a mean person who had some deep emotional issues.. But lets move on.
My sister "the nice one", is really not all that different, She will set people straight all the same and tell people off just as good as any of us. But there is something about her that keeps people coming back 'needing' her grace and acceptance. A true form of grace is someone who will always accept you, love you and forgive you. She rarely holds grudges and always sees the best in people.
Here is where we are different.
She didn't start out as firm and rough around the edges like I did. So my track history isn't going to yield such grace.
What she has is special and a gift, the fact that she can correct you and love you and you feel no judgement from her is a true mirror of Yeshua. I don't envy this gift.. It seems beautiful and horribly difficult all at the same time.
Me on the other hand...
I have been sat down in intervention to list the ways that I am mean, intimidating and straight out scary. I have walked by a teenager who has fearfully clung to her mothers arm until my passing, I have smiled graciously at the old man who asks "how can you worship God with a haircut like that". As if my outer appearance has any affect on the righteous, graceful, just God surrounding us.
I am not afraid of confrontation. Which I'm sure you could've guessed. If you come at me with a bad attitude be prepared to be corrected. I am not your punching bag, I am not your worker.
Do not bring your attitude into my space unless you want to be sent home. Do not gossip and sin outright in my presence if you do not want to be called out on it. Do not sit high and mighty on your tall horse unless you are prepared to get knocked off.
This is not because I am mean, this is not because I don't like you, this is not because I am better than you.
I am scrubbing the floors, hands and knees right next to you. I am tired, I am weak and I am hurt too. It is ROUGH being the bad guy. It is not easy. You have to learn to be disliked, judged and gossiped about. You learn to brush the haters off , cause haters gonna hate (holla atcha girl).
You learn to be an introvert because anyone who you might want to be friends with is scared or mad at you for some reason anyways.
But you also learn what true friends are, the ones who love you despite your scary intimidating ass and will watch movies with, eat with and be weird with you despite it all.
To the realization that I might be different..
We have been through a lot lately and seeing how different people deal with things..well...differently.
It's not easy being the bad guy when you aren't normally the bad guy.
When you aren't normally a threat, or judged and gossiped about. I can't imagine suddenly becoming the bad guy and categorized with people like myself, going from well liked, easy going, non-listening ears to suddenly the complete opposite.
How do you handle such a drastic life change? Will you always be a bad guy? Will you always be judged and intimidating?
Where does the madness end?!
The struggle is real. it's not easy being the bad guy.