It's not easy being the bad guy..

well..
It's been some time now hasn't it?
I won't go into the 'update' of bringing you all up to speed. Just enjoy this rant of a blog post..

I'm realizing there is a difference between me and some other people.. I know this is something you learn in pre-school, but really. I think my family might be a little different.

I've always been the 'sassy' one, I grew up saying "I was the mean one." It was a joke in passing but lets be honest, we all knew it was true. For some time it may have effected my adolescence and made some what of a mean person who had some deep emotional issues.. But lets move on.

My sister "the nice one", is really not all that different, She will set people straight all the same and tell people off just as good as any of us. But there is something about her that keeps people coming back 'needing' her grace and acceptance. A true form of grace is someone who will always accept you, love you and forgive you.  She rarely holds grudges and always sees the best in people.


Here is where we are different.
She didn't start out as firm and rough around the edges like I did. So my track history isn't going to yield such grace.
What she has is special and a gift, the fact that she can correct you and love you and you feel no judgement from her is a true mirror of Yeshua. I don't envy this gift.. It seems beautiful and horribly difficult all at the same time.

Me on the other hand...

I have been sat down in intervention to list the ways that I am mean, intimidating and straight out scary. I have walked by a teenager who has fearfully clung to her mothers arm until my passing, I have smiled graciously at the old man who asks "how can you worship God with a haircut like that". As if my outer appearance has any affect on the righteous, graceful, just God surrounding us.

I am not afraid of confrontation. Which I'm sure you could've guessed. If you come at me with a bad attitude be prepared to be corrected. I am not your punching bag, I am not your worker.
Do not bring your attitude into my space unless you want to be sent home. Do not gossip and sin outright in my presence if you do not want to be called out on it. Do not sit high and mighty on your tall horse unless you are prepared to get knocked off.
This is not because I am mean, this is not because I don't like you, this is not because I am better than you.

I am scrubbing the floors, hands and knees right next to you. I am tired, I am weak and I am hurt too. It is ROUGH being the bad guy. It is not easy. You have to learn to be disliked, judged and gossiped about. You learn to brush the haters off , cause haters gonna hate (holla atcha girl).
You learn to be an introvert because anyone who you might want to be friends with is scared or mad at you for some reason anyways.
But you also learn what true friends are, the ones who love you despite your scary intimidating ass and will watch movies with, eat with and be weird with you despite it all.


To the realization that I might be different..

We have been through a lot lately and seeing how different people deal with things..well...differently.
It's not easy being the bad guy when you aren't normally the bad guy.
When you aren't normally a threat, or judged and gossiped about. I can't imagine suddenly becoming the bad guy and categorized with people like myself, going from well liked, easy going, non-listening ears to suddenly the complete opposite.
How do you handle such a drastic life change? Will you always be a bad guy? Will you always be judged and intimidating?
Where does the madness end?!



The struggle is real. it's not easy being the bad guy.

Why I'm not a feminist....feminist.

feminist

[fem-uh-nist]

1.

advocating social, political, legal, and economic rights for women equal to those of men.

the real right to choose (pro-choice)

Every day I read a new article of some young, empowered, successful woman claiming to be a feminist.

Let me remind you the days that we live in. There is no war on women going on, there is no doubt that as a woman I have rights, rights to vote, rights to say no, rights to say yes. As women we have the choice to work, to stay home, to travel, to wander, to dream, to dream BIG, to be a CEO of the biggest dating site, makeup company, car manufacturer or to simply help other women through the journey that is birth.

To the women growing along side of me in my generation, what. are. you. fighting. for?

I had the pleasure of seeing Gina Davis speak at a small get together about her work, fighting for women in the film industry.
Her point didn't bash men, didn't degrade them therefore stooping to the level of anti-women mindsets. (which in case you didn't know...aren't ALL men). Instead she rises above her fellow celebrity 'feminists' and is a voice for women in the film industry. She helps especially with young television and big picture movies by showing them characters they have already created can be turned into female roles. Allowing a young female star to rise to fame, allowing gender to NOT be an issue.

Lena Dunham 'the voice of my generation', I support you sister, more power to you for slapping negative body image in the face, I commend you. Mainly for the adorable dresses you choose to wear on GIRLS. But as 'feminist' feminist as you are, I find it extremely degrading the amount of sexual activity you promote in your TV show. The women on your show are virtually useless unless it has to do with sex. Mind you, I am not up to date, I couldn't get passed the first season before I decided even watching the show I found myself degraded.

More power to women to be comfortable in their own skin, but why does the comfort with my own skin have to mean giving it away like a cow being milked at Borden Dairy. Herded down New York City streets just to catch the eye of the cute barista who you later end up in bed with.
 Lena Dunham isn't this the complete opposite of how we want our young girls to feel?

I want my daughter to feel empowered, confident and secure in her own body, not to the point of selling it for a kiss. She will be empowered to walk by that cute boy and not look back, because she is precious, she is preserved and saved for someone SO much better. For that someone who will treat her better than any woman who has the right to choose so she chose to give it away. She will be protected, treasured and kept hidden like the most expensive jewel that she is.
Don't we want our young girls to be empowered to say NO, to protect herself and make the men in her life LISTEN to her and not just look at her like a piece of meat?

I am not a feminist....feminist.
I believe we have the right to vote, to speak up and be opinionated. I have the right to decide how I walk down the street and the men around me do not have the right to cat call me.
And at the same time, if you choose to not have a career, or be opinionated or speak up that's ok.
 It's not wrong for me to CHOOSE to stay home and take care of my children, to prefer the kitchen over a desk, to prefer the sweet smiles, giggles and kisses of my children over the whistles, howls and calls of perverted men on the street.

It's OK to choose my place at home, in the kitchen, with my children.
It's OK for you to choose a career, but don't for the love of women and feminism everywhere do NOT stoop down to the level of anti women by degrading yourself first so that you're not hurt by them or giving your body away so that no one else can take it.

I don't let my kids celebrate halloween.. and you should be ok with it.

As a Mother most of us have instincts to protect, care and comfort our children.
We hold them as they cry, we kiss their booboos, we protect what they hear, see and say.

So why.on.earth. would I encourage my children to be scared?!??
 To wear scary costumes, watch scary movies, ask people in scary costumes for candy, embrace ghosts, witches and scary spiders.
Why on earth would I decide that this ONE day is the day to throw our morality to the wind and allow the encouragement of 'scary' things into our homes, our minds, our hearts.

I would be working 364 days to protect my child from these things, but allow it for one day??
 What kind of confusion am I bringing upon my small children.

It is shocking to me how many christians or people who 'claim' to be christians celebrate this day with their children. No matter how many years since this holiday was 'originated' in evil..that doesn't change. Just because you think you've 'justified' it, just because you don't do the bad things they did, doesn't change what it stands for.
Halloween, Day of the dead, All hallows eve. Is clearly, factually and historically a day to 'celebrate' the dead.
Why on earth would I encourage my child to celebrate the dead, which would directly go against everything I work towards as a mother and believe.  'Raising my child up in the way that they should go'. Allowing this one day to slip through the cracks no matter how minor, is allowing our children to think we aren't that serious, because we allow the celebration of the dead just this once.

By the time they're 18 and making their own decisions on what they believe, they will remember the 18 times they celebrated the dead, the '18 times my parents allowed evil, scary things come into my mind, and my home.', the 18 times we didn't protect them against these things, the 18 times we willingly allowed the enemy to break down our doors and take advantage of our children.

I plan on being a mother 365 days a year, every day I will protect my children from scary things, every day I will strive to raise my children up in the way that they should go, every day I will hold them, comfort them and kiss their booboos.

What are my kids really missing out on?

There is nothing done on this holiday that you can't do any other day. Instead of asking scary strangers for candy, go to the store yourself, if it's the costumes? You can wear costumes any day!

Tikvah Marie Nelson

I've been wondering how I would put this blog into words without sounding horrible.
So...Excuse me as I type out my thoughts and if you get mad, feel free to unfollow.


When we found out I was pregnant, I was roughly 5-6 weeks along and at 7-8 weeks we lost the baby.
 As I've said before there isn't a ton of information you can find online about this, they try their best to be P.C about it so the poor woman actually going through it and googling frantically for symptoms can't accurately tell if she's having a miscarriage without going to the Dr.
Dr's scamming Americans since day 1.


This was obviously heartbreaking, scary and confusing.  The frustrating lack of information was eating away at me, the confusion as to why this happened to me and the sadness that went along with it.
I'm the kind of person that wants to know why, how, why, when, and...WHY this happens to people.
That information is unfortunately 'non-exsistent'.
It was harder for me than I let on, I avoided talking about it and dealing with it.
The 'coping' methods that are offered are 'writing a letter to your lost baby', 'naming your lost baby', 'lighting a candle for your lost baby', etc etc.
The emotional pain of losing a baby you had hoped and prayed for, for over a year isn't going to be solved by any of the things listed above. As a mother I became instantly attached to the growing life inside of me, but I didn't know this baby and I know this baby can't read any letter I write, or see any candle that was lit for them. This baby is happily, safely in the arms of someone greater than me. And none of these things would reassure this 'lost baby' or help me.

After a rough 3 months, we found out I was pregnant again. Obviously we were happy and even tho we were overjoyed, I couldn't help but have fear in my mind regarding the outcome of this pregnancy.
After weeks of blood tests and ultrasounds it was confirmed this babe was the one we were waiting for.

Almost immediately after confirming the pregnancy being the one, the prophetic and confirming words were being spoken over her.
The joy and delight of this little baby coming earthside was so exciting to anticipate, so preparation began to make room for this little babe.
We chose the name Tikvah meaning Hope in Hebrew, mainly because we liked it. But throughout the pregnancy we started to see real meaning behind her name.
She is bringing Hope to the hopeless, Hope for the bitterness, Hope for her generation.

She was born August 1st at 10:29am, after 7 hours of being in labor, she was delivered at home in a birth tub with little to no assistance. It was perfect, almost painless, easy, relaxing homebirth.

Tikvah Marie Nelson 8/01/14 7lb 3oz 19in

you should probably take a look at this. (warning: semi-graphic details ahead)

This is a tough one to write.
I pride myself in being funny even when no one else thinks so. I try to write these blogs about serious things sometimes in an insensitive way to make awkward subjects more comfortable for those of you who want to laugh at such ridiculous parenting and ideals.
So my juggle in my mind is trying to be sensitive about this subject without being too serious and sounding depressed.
So here we go.

Around May 2012 Julien was 2 months from turning 2. The big 2! Hunter and I had discussed even before getting married how many kids we wanted to have, how far apart we 'wanted' them to be and started on our 'family planning' ideas.
So. by this time I was already hoping to have a little babe in the cooker or at least nearing the end of said cooking time.
Unfortunately this was not the case. I know we are both functioning and able to produce as my dad would say 'juicy fruit" (aka children/blessings/fruit from our tree..lol). But it wasn't happening.
As many christians would say "it wasn't God's timing"..which I whole heartedly believed.

Little did we know 6 months later we would be packing up everything we owned and planning the move of a lifetime to Park City Utah. When the decision was made to move it all made sense. It would've been an even bigger pain in the butt to move across country with a tiny new born or being 8 months pregnant right? SO Okay..God had a plan...it wasn't God's timing!

We arrived in beautiful, cold, snowy Park City (another thing a snow newbie wouldn't want to deal with, with a newborn or being pregnant)!
We then put a 'fleece' if you will before the Lord basically saying if we aren't pregnant by the end of the summer we'll look into adoption, which is something we want to do anyways.
So June came...and went. We started really asking the Lord for a lil babe in the cooker and it wasn't happening. My brother and sister came to visit and everyone prayed over me that this would happen..sooner than later.
Well.. 3 weeks later the stick said yes.

You can imagine the joy that filled the family and treehouse, another little babe would add to the chaotic fun.
So trusting in my body to do the good deed we announced it and were over joyed. God had seriously answered prayers and we were pregnant before the end of summer!
The planning began! We would need to move to a house for more room, we needed to find a midwife that would come up the mountain, we needed to see a midwife/dr asap to make sure everything was workin. And it was! The midwife/dr i found was incredible but didn't travel up the mountain :(. She soon became my best and only friend in Utah.

Warning..details ahead!

9 days after the confirmation of pregnancy from said Midwife, I woke up with horrible pain.. Because this isn't a widely open conversation on most blogs i've read..lets get real with each other. Worst than your worst heavy period..that was what was happening to me. So up at 6am I called said Midwife who is the sweetest lady ever known and she had me come in immediately. Which meant in my family and having to travel down the mountain to see her we didn't get there until 11. I called a friend to watch Julien and we rushed down. Stopping twice to use the restroom I knew this was bad. I had passed the baby about 4 1/2 hours into this horrible day.
Unfortunately though I had the feeling this had happened..signs weren't so clear to the midwife, I had to get blood work done and we wouldn't know the final answer til 48 hours later.
The WORST 48 hours of my life. Pain..and other things.. worry and sadness. The worst part is just not knowing what was wrong. should i have hope, should i be sad, should i be happy, should i crawl in a hole and never talk to anyone again?

The results came in and though I was incredibly sad that this had happened I was also relieved. NOT that I lost the sweetest most important thing in life (a child) but that I could stop worrying and I know God knows whats up.
He knows what he's doing, he knew that baby better than I did. And I could cry for a couple more hours, get up out of my dirty pajamas that I wore for 48 hours, and walk in the understand that He knows better than me.
He knows where i'm going, what i'm doing and when the perfect time will be for me.

So announcement made. Baby center updates deleted and another blog for you to read...
8 things not to say to a woman who miscarried

Thursdays Thoughts and Rants

I skipped Wednesday to give you guys a break.

First of all my Silver King Coffee girl quit. Therefore I'm paying full price for a cup of milk and the girl that now 'serves me' at the window doesn't know me. Ugh! Good thing it's the original girl who Sarahjane and I thought was named April.. Close but no cigar. Her name is Alexa. She got a new tattoo.

Speaking of Tattoos..i would still like to finish mine to get a new one.
How do people have time and money to constantly be getting tatted Alyssa Hickman, Trevor Michael..I'm confused and jealous.

I can't comment on whats going on in the news lately DOMA, Abortion etc. It's too heavy and I'm sure I would get backlash for my beliefs on either subject. So instead i'm just going to say "Goodnight and Goodluck America" It's all in your hands.

I feel like Moses and I are best friends, I've been studying and making lessons on this guy for the last 5 months. Todays lesson = Moses dies.
It's been real bud.

That moment you regret accepting a friend request or liking a page..get off my newsfeed!

That other moment when you accidentally sync your phone with your facebook contacts..I don't need your number..but i have it. beware of spam.

I get that you need a job and all..but maybe you should do some SERIOUS, EXTENSIVE research on the day care you are sending your children to before you get trapped and you're spending $500 a month on the pledge of allegiance, forced nap time, bad lunch and listening to secular hip hop during playtime.

It's been a good 6 weeks since I've had a bagel...TAKE THAT UTAH!

Have I mentioned how things start considerably earlier here?
I used to drive into work (in dallas) around 7:30 and catch the first half of the Kidd Kraddick show..The only radio station I get here must start at 5am..it's 7:30 and i've missed the funniest parts! #Mountainlife


Speaking of Mountain Life..Nothing like waking up your entire building on a Wednesday night because your water heater is leaking scalding water into the parking garage. 10:30pm maintenance knocks on our door (i didn't even know we had that kind of service!) we waved them past because we certainly weren't leaking water. 10 minutes later maintenance AND our nice neighbor lady from upstairs knocks 'Please check your water heater! There is burning water pouring into the garage!" we check..sure enough it's us. Maintenance comes in, our weird neighbor guys from vermont come into the hallway..we're all in our pajamas, awkward. We've never exchanged anything but a smile in passing and now they're seeing me...in my pajamas..at night.
Our hot water heater is broken and needs to be replaced. yay.. We rent so it's no big deal...but I could've been spared the awkwardness.

My Monday Blues and Thoughts

I know this is seriously off track but here are a 'few' things on my mind this Monday Morning...
(Please beware these are definitely first world problems and I am no way seriously complaining about these things)


My pug has lost her mind, peed in my bed and is now gagging herself on a stuffed elmo toy that we gave up on trying to rescue

I hate that scene in the Amazing SpiderMan when Andrew Garfield is breathing heavily into Emma Stones face while he's sweaty and beat up...you know that doesn't smell good..

I love me some French Press coffee, but making a whole pot of it..by myself..makes me a hyped up caffeinated mama..I need someone to come drink half of this thing.
On top of that, I regret getting rid of my normal coffee cups. As much as I love how these 'vintage tea cups look' they're kind of a pain when you have to refill every other second.

Who decided to build condos in the middle of Heber City and Park City where we can't get any cable or internet?!?!..fml

OK! Who decided it was okay to post pictures of your ailments on facebook? Aint nobody wanna see your bloody knee, eye, messed up feet, broken...anything!

I had a dream I hung out with Cesar Milan on the streets of Africa eating Ice Cream...I think I need to train my dog.

Missing Texas stuff. Joy Luck, Cheap Movies, Friends, Beauty Bar, Downtown Dallas, Black People....just sayin

I don't support Kanye and Kim's decision to name their child something ridiculous..but being a child with a strange name..I feel for them. They're just trying to be original in the sea of celebrity baby names. It's hard to meet the standards of Apple, Jermajesty, Lourdes...etc.
And speaking of names..i know some normal people out there that have no excuse to name their kids weird names.

Twinkie coming back..it's like when you throw a going away party for someone and then a week later they're like '...uh i'm not leaving anymore' what?!?! Waste of time! (Joy Eastman..remember that?! love you!)

I need to finish all my tattoos..so I can get a new one. (hint, hint)

Sarah Thomas, Serah Rudolph, Erin Favella, Julie Hopkins...you all make me want to have another baby...TOMORROW. Stop having cute kids.

My Favorite part of The Amazing SpiderMan...Spiderman launching himself up the side of a building. I want to do that!

I need a haircut.

.....time for more coffee.